If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
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I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you