Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
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My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Wait a minute
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.