My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
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Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.