I don’t think my car can fly
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I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.