my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
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I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Comparing yourself to others
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …