them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
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Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
can’t bark with your mouth full
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.