“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
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What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
i鈥檓 the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
no one鈥檚 wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you鈥檇 say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I don鈥檛 have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog鈥檚 bladder.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Schr枚dinger: Happy anniversary!
Schr枚dinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schr枚dinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Funny because it’s true. 馃ぃ
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Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
u蕧op 菨p谋sdn p菨u晒n蕠-p菨dd谋谉蔁 蕠ob 菨蔁谋谉 蕩莎
蕧o丧 蕠noq蓯 谉谉蓯 蕩晒o蕠s 蓯 s谋 s谋丧蕠 ‘蕧ou
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Just know, if I鈥檝e asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it鈥檚 coming out as an unhinged shout.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it鈥檚 your turn to hide
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where鈥檇 he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*