“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
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Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.