Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
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[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
You can’t rush stupid.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I unironically love this joke.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?