Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
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[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Remember folks 😂
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”