I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
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[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”