Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
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Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
My wedding will be open casket.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
How is it still this week?
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Good news
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.