I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
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HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what