TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
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[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn