In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
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wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.