The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
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Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece