Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
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I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.