Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

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[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]


Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?


My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”


Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.


My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.


I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.


“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.


Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.


Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.