@donni

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

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@upsidedowntrash

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

@mortimermaiden

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

@adamgreattweet

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

@Jandalize

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

@sofarrsogud

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

@ReeseButCallMeV

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

@Carbosly

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

@nayele18maybe

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

@junejuly12

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.