Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
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My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing