my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
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Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
*seductively eats two tums*
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.