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Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.