I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
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As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
she has a point
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.