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Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers