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Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I can’t wait!
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.