Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
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Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time