*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
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*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
oppen heimer style lol
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
August 8
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.