If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
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Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
smartest karate player in the world
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
How much for the goth pool noodles?
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!