Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
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me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]