It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
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My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this