It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
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Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*