Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
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All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
<- sleeps well with others
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions