Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins