Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
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hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
And that about sums it up.
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You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?