Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
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Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
How actors in movies eat their food
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…