Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
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me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
when there are deer in the woods
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.