911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
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Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.