They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
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A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!