Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
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3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
those birds must be on payroll
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.