Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
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I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
They’re really bad with fonts.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets