*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
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Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Got him!
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.