Got him!
You Might Also Like
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-