All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
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9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
But is it really??
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
tell em, edith-anne
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.