ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
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[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH