Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
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No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Goodnight 🐶
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
How your email finds me
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
There is no “we” in pizza
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.