Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
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Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad