[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.