[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
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Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
*gets down on one knee*
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies