My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
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The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks