@gavinprobably

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

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@SortaBad

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

@jonnysun

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

@djdarrellripley

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

@WilliamAder

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

@bewgtweets

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

@Laser_Cat

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

@kevinthedad

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

@MasterOfFury

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

@famouscrab

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous