@SortaBad My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
@gavinprobably My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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@SortaBad 
@jonnysun teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
@djdarrellripley Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
@WilliamAder I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
@ElgatoEsmio Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
@bewgtweets (Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
@Laser_Cat They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
@kevinthedad my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
@MasterOfFury Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
@famouscrab you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous