My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’