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Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???