Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
You Might Also Like
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.