I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
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I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate