today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
no regrets
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.