Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

There’s always that one guy

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…

Satan: *nodding*

Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?

Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??

Me: (through tears) so creative