ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
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Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
why would tinder want me to say this
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most