I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
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Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I’m awake but I object,
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner