TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
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It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay