how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
You Might Also Like
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
People buying plungers never look happy.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.